12.31.07

By BRYAN CLARK

Sports Editor

LIBERTY TOWNSHIP, Ohio (AP) – The game must go on.

With teammate Bryan Clark receiving treatment for a severe migraine at a local emergency room, Jeremy Bridgman went mano-a-mano with Lee “Air ‘Nidas” Delaveris in the fourth annual Quad One Braggin’ Rights game.

It was the first time in series history that the game came down to a one-on-one battle, but the result was not unique. Bridgman swept the three-game series 15-6, 15-7 to secure his fourth victory in as many contests.

“When I heard Bryan was in the hospital, I thought about sleeping in,” Bridgman said. “But it’s a tradition we couldn’t let die – even if Bryan did.”

The roster for Team Delaveris was already depleted, with usual starter Dustin Torres cavorting in warmer climates and super-sub Tom Berry on the injured reserve list. Delaveris was actually somewhat optimistic when he heard Clark was unavailable.

“Any time a team loses half its roster, you have to feel pretty good about your chances,” Delaveris said. “But then Jeremy told me that I wouldn’t get a teammate either, so that kind of leveled the playing field.”

The turning point of the match seemed to be Bridgman’s patented Birds of Paradise Defense^TM, modeled after the mating habits of the rarely filmed native birds of the Amazon. What remains unclear is how Bridgman managed to get a bright blue smiley face to appear on his stomach each time he spread his arms.

“I’ve been working on that one for a few years now,” Bridgman said. “It’s been pretty effective on the streets of New York and I even tried it out in a couple stairwells, just to see what would happen. I think the results speak for themselves.”

Delaveris did not know what to think.

“I’m trying to run my offense, and he’s shimmying back and forth with that crazy smiley face,” Delaveris said. “I didn’t know whether I was supposed to dribble or shoot or get excited or what. It was crazy.”

But Delaveris did not seem particularly bothered by the fact that Bridgman would be taking home the trophy once again.

“Upset? Are you kidding me?,” Delaveris said. “That wasn’t even the most important trophy on the line today. Just ask Joey Fatone. Tonight I’m playing for the most coveted trophy in the world. This is just kid’s stuff. Get serious.”

Reached for comment on the floor of his bathroom, Clark said, “Arghhhhhhh... my freaking head... arghhhhhhhh” before praying to the porcelain gods once again.

Team Doctor Dan McFarlane declined to comment on Clark’s condition, but he was surprised to hear that Team Delaveris was thinking about firing him. Delaveris has apparently become concerned about McFarlane’s ability to fairly serve as team doctor for both teams.

“It’s hard to imagine him offering impartial medical advice,” Delaveris said. “I mean, come on, he’s dating Jeremy’s sister. If that’s not a conflict of interests, I don’t know what is. If I broke my ankle, he would probably just scoff and say something inappropriate like, ‘How do you even play basketball?’ or ‘You broke your ankle, just like your cousin.’”

Attendance was down considerably for this year’s event, with only Team Photographer Lea Delaveris showing up for the festivities.

“For a guy with a PR background, Jeremy sure doesn’t create much buzz for these events,” Lea Delaveris said. “Maybe next time they should give away a Wii. People love those things.”

The next contest is scheduled for sometime in 2008, hopefully with the rosters at full strength.